And it swallowed me whole

Do you want the truth? Do you want to hear the things I think but never tell? Well...I fear you do not have enough time to listen to them. I am hopeless. I have a hole in the pit of my heart that was formed as a cause of others failures and will forever be the problem of those who try to love me now. I strive for me. I have periods of loneliness where nothing anyone says or does can fill the pit and I can feel myself start to shut down. I shut down too often for my own comfort. I never know what causes it or even how to cause it to stop. I know that I fear my emotional shut downs. I know I fear the hole will one day expand so large that I will be swallowed into its eternal black bliss and all that will be left of me will be the memory of what never was. Gah. Sometimes, life is so complicated. And my head feels like a maze that I just cannot seem to escape. How do you sort the sordid past out from the present and prevent it from complicating the future?

and then it was March

So I am not sure where the time went. Or even where my desire to write went. I find that I often get writers block. I don't know how to unscramble the thoughts in my head into cohesive sentences. I have too many issues to work through. I don't know what topic to write about first. My not so great, life altering childhood that still lingers in my everyday now. My amazing eternal family. My spiritual journey. My life as a mother, wife and do-it-all wonder woman. Should I go humorous or serious. Really writing in a blog is rather overwhelming to me! I started this blog to work through some of the issues my childhood brought into my current everyday life but I am realizing that though those issues are still relevant, I can make the choice to not allow those things to control who I am. I can take control! Yay me! So here is my goal! Blog EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for 30 days! Think I can do it? haha. I am doubtful but doubt is good because then I can't let myself down when I fail. And as for what I will write, well I will leave that to whatever is on my mind that evening. Right now, I am thinking about this move. It is going to be so hard to go from my oversized country house so an undersized apartment haha. But I am really anxious to start saving and paying off debt and getting out of the hole a bad credit score can put you in. Anyhoot ... until tomorrow :)

Where is Me

I have post partum depression. There. I said it...or typed it...whatever. Have you ever been in an airplane when it is cloudy out and you can't see anything except for every now and then when you get a peek at the sun or a glimpse of the land below. Thats kind of what I feel like. All.The.Time. Like my mind is so cloudy and I can see myself once in awhile but for the most part I dont know where I am. It reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book "Many Colored Days" "then comes a mixed up day and WHAM I don't know who or what I am....But it all turns out ok you see and I go back to just being Me." I am ready to go back to just being me.

~Tired~

Of favoritism. Of families who claim to be family oriented and then leave family out. Of individuals who claim to follow a set of principles and yet have actions that are so contradictory. I'm tired of trying to fit into this world because I truly do love and respect family and being rejected or mistreated because they believe I do not fit a certain set of ideals. Tired of people assuming I do not fit these ideals of theirs when they have no clue who I am or what I stand for. The world is too hypocritical for me sometimes and I am ready to create my own.

hm....

Isn't it crazy how when you first start something your intention is put your whole self into it and go gung ho? That was my plan when I started this blog. But alas....life gets busy and ideas fall behind and we end up exactly where we are right now, in this moment. I am so happy today. Even though I woke up before the sun and had to head out to class and even though I can't sleep worth a damn anymore and I have to pee all the time. My life is wonderful. Everything falls into place and in this instance the fall was perfect. I love my husband, I love my daughter, I love my unborn child and in general I am loving my life. There isnt much more to it than that.

~A grain of sand and a wrinkle in time~

So here I sit, listening to Aubrie click a crayon on her pink tabletop and vaguely aware of Jeff talking to his mom on the telephone. Suddenly I have realized that the world is zooming past me and days are begining blur into one another. Where does time go when it is gone? It seems like it just turns into memories that you swear you will never forget only to turn around and wonder what the memory was in the first place. I want to remember every minute of my life. I dont want to forget how Aubrie looks when she talks on the phone or the sound of her voice when she asks "mommy please hold me." I was talking to my mom and my sister last night and my sister was worrying about spending six years of her life in school. It was my mother who made me remember that days in our life are like sand on the beach, there are so many grains and when it comes down to it, it is only the most colorful and most beautiful grains that you pick up and put in your pocket. Six years is a flash in a lifetime that may last ninety. I am going to make every day a day worth remembering and leave my impression on this wrinkle in time.

Daddy

I loved him. He held me and hugged me and loved me right back. We used to watch cartoons in bed on Saturday morning until noon. And cops, and Bob Barker on Price is Right. Now Drew Carey does Price is Right and I watch cartoons with my little girl and he is in the hospital. From a heart attack. He told me "We don't last forever" and I told him "You are my Dad, you have to." I hated him. When he sent me to my mom and never came back for me. I felt lost, and abandoned. He was my life, and I was his. Who was I at 4 without him? I was angry and I took it out on the only person I knew to, my new "dad." But even when I hated him, I loved him. How do you cope with the possibility of losing someone who means so much to you. Whether or not I agree with him or his lifestyle is irrelevant. He is my Dad and he still crosses my mind everyday and I love him. I know you aren't close to me Dad. But 2000 miles does nothing to my love for you...Please dont go. I just dont want to lose you. I love you Daddy. I always have.