Daddy

I loved him. He held me and hugged me and loved me right back. We used to watch cartoons in bed on Saturday morning until noon. And cops, and Bob Barker on Price is Right. Now Drew Carey does Price is Right and I watch cartoons with my little girl and he is in the hospital. From a heart attack. He told me "We don't last forever" and I told him "You are my Dad, you have to." I hated him. When he sent me to my mom and never came back for me. I felt lost, and abandoned. He was my life, and I was his. Who was I at 4 without him? I was angry and I took it out on the only person I knew to, my new "dad." But even when I hated him, I loved him. How do you cope with the possibility of losing someone who means so much to you. Whether or not I agree with him or his lifestyle is irrelevant. He is my Dad and he still crosses my mind everyday and I love him. I know you aren't close to me Dad. But 2000 miles does nothing to my love for you...Please dont go. I just dont want to lose you. I love you Daddy. I always have.

A message in notes

Music blows me away. I have recently entered into a new realm of music. Folk. I love it. It motivates me to write and it makes me think. It feels beautiful when it is playing. I want to sing and dance and spin in circles until I fall down with delirious laughter. A gloomy day can be brightened with a Nickel Creek cd. Music is beautiful. A message in notes.

Honesty and Pink Roses

He bought me a pink rose last night. Solitary, beautiful, petals healthy without a single brown leaf to ruin it all. How thoughtful I should have said. Even a thank you so much for being caring. Instead I smile and chuckle and tell him how silly he is. In my mind I can twist such a thoughtful gesture into a conniving one. Running through my head, instead of gratitude, is what are his alterior motives. What does he want from this gesture. Really, a rose, I knew you were up to something when you called and mentioned a budget. Am i really that full of issues that I cant look at it and just be in love. That I cant see a simple gesture as wonderful and thoughtful and caring, leave it at that. I worry about my paranoia. Is it normal? Or another product of being a victim. Life is too complicated. Sometimes the truth is as simple as the honesty in a pink rose.

Swimming in the mundane

Someone told me today that when reading my blogs it sounds like i am sad or unhappy. I feel the need to clarify. I am happy with my life. My child and husband make me very happy and I am overjoyed to be in Iowa near my sisters who I missed dearly when I was gone. I think the mind is a very complex thing as I am sure most anyone will agree. There are chambers for everything and memories sit still waiting to be unlocked before being tucked right back away. I feel like I am definately more complex than some people. My mind is constantly reeling with some thought or another, busy, never holding still. Chasing thoughts or ideas or dreams or scenarios. My blog is to help me sort these things out so that maybe my mind will slow down. I also created my blog to improve my writing. A professor told me rcently that I write beautifully and should continue writing. I think I have potential but I have yet to write beautifully. My blog will give me the practice I need. So if you read it and think I sound sad...rest assured that I am not. I am just another complex individual swimming in mundane thoughts trying to find the surface.

The ticking of the clock

Memories float in my mind like sailboats on still water without a breeze. I always think what if...would it have been different. I long for lifetimes I never had, changes I never made and choices long since forgotten. So many photographs held in my mind like old worn snapshots that sit in a shoebox at the back of the closet. Only I seem to take mine out and shuffle through them more frequently than the average horder. Growing up I never realized my mind would be like one of those old movie reels without sound. A smile here on a beautiful face, a tear trickling down another. Emotions can overwhelm me, fear, love, happiness, longing. I feel like something is lost to me and the clock continues to tick down the seconds while I stand still unmoving and unable to figure out what it is I have lost, or have yet to find. The well is a mile deep and the way down is jagged and wet and cold and miserable. I hope there is a clear spring with a beautiful waterfall awaiting me at the bottom of my well. The journey is so long and all I can hear is the ticking of the clock.

A walk in the stars

I have been really drained of energy lately. I was tested by my doctor before the move to Iowa for multiple things and all the results were negative. I thought they would be. I dont feel like anything is physically wrong, and no, I do not feel depressed. I think I figured it out tonight though. I need a mind purge. Randomly, about 20 minutes ago, the puppy (Bella) was hounding me for some attenion. Rather than push her off me and get back to work I decided to take her for a walk.

It's beautiful outside tonight. The air is crisp and cool but not enough to need a jacket. It rained today so all the dust and dirt is wiped away and the puddles were glistening in the moonlight. I could see the stars twinkling in the sky and hear crickets chirping. It was beautiful, and calming, and exactly what I needed. Not that I am more energized, but I feel like I think too much and forget to breathe sometimes. The noise and demands of life overwhelm my senses and exhaust me. I think my solution is to simply slow down and take a walk in the stars. So here is a new goal for me...I want to walk everyday. Even if it is just a walk around the block with Miss Isabel. A walk everyday...to clear my mind and remember whats important in this life. A walk in the stars is just what I need to re-energize.

In all honesty...

being honest terrifies me. Those secrets that I keep hidden in the deep down pit of my core, they are put down there for a reason. Writing is like purging after Thanksgiving dinner for me. Unfortunatly the thought of other people reading that writing makes me feel extremely vulnerable, naked almost. I guess I am saying here is my life, from my point of view. Judge it if you want...its in our nature to judge so I wont blame you, but there are always other points of views and other perspectives, so keep that in mind.