Fail.

I am sad. Very sad. I cannot move properly, I cannot take my children to the park, I cannot even play in the backyard with them without another adult present to help when they run off. I feel incompetent. I feel lost and lonely and basically sorry for myself. I tried to go to a church function today but all it did was remind me of all the things I cannot do and how much of an epic failure I am right now. And now, I wonder what is holding me back more, my knee or my depression. I hate this. More than anything in the world. I hate this new challenge that has been put before me. I hate all the goals it has squashed and I hate how it has put my life on hold.

A spiritual quest...

I decided to post this seperate for those who read my blog but aren't into "churchy" stuff. So if you don't want to you dont have to read this part :)). I am going on a 30 day challenge. I was a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I find that this presents many challenges. I question things more and I have a harder time having faith in things that I cannot see. So...starting tomorrow I am going on a journey. One to build my testimony and strengthen my bond with my heavenly father. Not to mention I want a temple recommend for the opening of the KC temple!!!!! This 30 days will include limited television, 2 hours a day. 1 hour of computer time, no rated R movies (a weak spot for me since I dont agree with our current rating system at ALL). Minimum of 2 hours scripture study a day along with an activity each day with my gorgeous Aubrie. Prayers before bed and meals, more family meals and working on my family history! I am excited. I am excited to see the blessings that will come to my life and the strenghening of my testimony. Wish me luck!I might start another blog for this journey tomorrow :)) to seperate the two.

I'm tired. Or whatever that word is thats between tired and flat on the floor unable to move. The odd thing is that I didn't do much today. Some dishes, cleaned a bedroom, two loads of laundry and got the mail. I also took care of two energetic little girls but still, before I had my knee surgery today would have been a peice of cake. Now everything takes twice as much effort and it's so depressing. I make lists and can't complete all the tasks. My depression leads to more wanting to do nothing so then I fight not only it but my inability to do too much. It is a vicious cycle, this whole knee thing. To top it all off I am supposed to do PT excercises twice a day but I am so swollen ALL the time from everything that I do that I can't do the excerises. Or maybe thats an excuse. All I know is that nothing is getting easier and I am just getting more frustrated. Phoey on knee surgery. They want me to do my right knee when I am done healing from this one and to that I say "UH UH, NO WAY, NEVER, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS." Until it gets really bad and hurts to the point that knee surgery does, I will not put myself through this again anytime soon.

On a more positive note! I love my life. Jeff and I have been through so much throughout our almost six year marriage and there was even one point where we weren't even together. I felt like we were both trying at different times and never trying together and now that we are, we are A-M-A-zing! We have so many positive things happening for us. Although some would see our move from our gorgeous house into an apartment as a bad thing we see it as an investment in our future. It will open up so many options for us and it makes me excited to think of paying off our credit and saving for a house...THE house! I am also so excited to be living in town. I love going to church and I love the friendships that I have there but I feel like where I live seriously affects my ability to build relationships with my fellow sisters. I am anxious to see strong bonds form and with it my testimony grow. I know that it is sometimes the drive to town that prevents me from going on sundays and this move will eliminate all excuses. I hope Jeff and I are finally able to settle into a town and feel as if we belong. As if it is somewhere we want and need to stay.

Now I am going to sit in my recliner, ice my knee, and watch General Conference. I wonder what amazing messages the leaders of the church have in store for me :)

Life decisions, when you are too young to make them

I said I would use this blog to talk about the things that affect my life. I intended to use it as a way to talk about my past without "talking" about my past. When I was reading back through old posts (haha cause there are just SO many!) I realized that I 1.) don't post often enough and 2.) skirt around the issues that really bother me. Hm. That looks like two goals being completely ignored! So once a week I will make a point to let something out. And I should probably work on posting daily and getting people to follow and what not. I kind of like being a secret though haha. Then it doesn't matter that I am showing my raw self, cause who am I showing it to? For tonight I will share a memory from the beginning.

I was there the night that my parents split up. I remember the darkness and the way it made the whole night seem scarier. Almost as if it was going to swallow me up. I remember the trashy single wide trailer and the dimly lit, poorly built, enclosed wooden porch. I even remember the small gravel drive and the patches of missing grass out of the lawn. I wonder if my memories are correct, I have never asked my mom. But I clearly remember being outside with one parent holding me and the other standing in front of me and my three year old ears remember hearing my mother ask "who do you want to live with Lisa, mom or dad?" I feel the pain in my heart as I type the words. The same pain that I felt almost 24 years ago. I wonder how a 3 year old could have known that her response would bring suffering to the person not chosen, but I remember knowing and I remember the pain in my heart when I chose my father. And I remember the pain in my mothers eyes. It's hard for me to think back to that day, that time. It's hard for me to think about the decision that two adults put on my shoulders because they didnt want it on theirs. I remember fights between the two of them and I remember seeing things that my mother swears that I did not see but my eyes know otherwise. I know that the split was best because neither of them were together for the right reasons and I know that being together would have been more destructive for me than them being apart. So I do not resent the split. But I do carry heaviness in my heart from the decision. I wish I could have been a child a little bit longer. I wish I hadn't had to make a life decision at three.

And it swallowed me whole

Do you want the truth? Do you want to hear the things I think but never tell? Well...I fear you do not have enough time to listen to them. I am hopeless. I have a hole in the pit of my heart that was formed as a cause of others failures and will forever be the problem of those who try to love me now. I strive for me. I have periods of loneliness where nothing anyone says or does can fill the pit and I can feel myself start to shut down. I shut down too often for my own comfort. I never know what causes it or even how to cause it to stop. I know that I fear my emotional shut downs. I know I fear the hole will one day expand so large that I will be swallowed into its eternal black bliss and all that will be left of me will be the memory of what never was. Gah. Sometimes, life is so complicated. And my head feels like a maze that I just cannot seem to escape. How do you sort the sordid past out from the present and prevent it from complicating the future?