I said I would use this blog to talk about the things that affect my life. I intended to use it as a way to talk about my past without "talking" about my past. When I was reading back through old posts (haha cause there are just SO many!) I realized that I 1.) don't post often enough and 2.) skirt around the issues that really bother me. Hm. That looks like two goals being completely ignored! So once a week I will make a point to let something out. And I should probably work on posting daily and getting people to follow and what not. I kind of like being a secret though haha. Then it doesn't matter that I am showing my raw self, cause who am I showing it to? For tonight I will share a memory from the beginning.
I was there the night that my parents split up. I remember the darkness and the way it made the whole night seem scarier. Almost as if it was going to swallow me up. I remember the trashy single wide trailer and the dimly lit, poorly built, enclosed wooden porch. I even remember the small gravel drive and the patches of missing grass out of the lawn. I wonder if my memories are correct, I have never asked my mom. But I clearly remember being outside with one parent holding me and the other standing in front of me and my three year old ears remember hearing my mother ask "who do you want to live with Lisa, mom or dad?" I feel the pain in my heart as I type the words. The same pain that I felt almost 24 years ago. I wonder how a 3 year old could have known that her response would bring suffering to the person not chosen, but I remember knowing and I remember the pain in my heart when I chose my father. And I remember the pain in my mothers eyes. It's hard for me to think back to that day, that time. It's hard for me to think about the decision that two adults put on my shoulders because they didnt want it on theirs. I remember fights between the two of them and I remember seeing things that my mother swears that I did not see but my eyes know otherwise. I know that the split was best because neither of them were together for the right reasons and I know that being together would have been more destructive for me than them being apart. So I do not resent the split. But I do carry heaviness in my heart from the decision. I wish I could have been a child a little bit longer. I wish I hadn't had to make a life decision at three.