Friday, April 1, 2011

And it swallowed me whole

Do you want the truth? Do you want to hear the things I think but never tell? Well...I fear you do not have enough time to listen to them. I am hopeless. I have a hole in the pit of my heart that was formed as a cause of others failures and will forever be the problem of those who try to love me now. I strive for me. I have periods of loneliness where nothing anyone says or does can fill the pit and I can feel myself start to shut down. I shut down too often for my own comfort. I never know what causes it or even how to cause it to stop. I know that I fear my emotional shut downs. I know I fear the hole will one day expand so large that I will be swallowed into its eternal black bliss and all that will be left of me will be the memory of what never was. Gah. Sometimes, life is so complicated. And my head feels like a maze that I just cannot seem to escape. How do you sort the sordid past out from the present and prevent it from complicating the future?


Amy said...

Have you thought about talking to someone? Sometimes life and the changes become far too much and it takes an outside (and stable) person to bring some new perspective and acceptance to a situation. Before I moved from Oregon to Louisiana I saw a great doctor for 5 weeks who really helped me move on from some situations I was harboring anger and pain over and helped me to have a fresh start. Life doesn't always work out the way we plan and just talking to someone really can do wonders. I hope you start feeling less lonely! I'm so there with you though.

~Lisa Renee~ said...

I have seen a few therapists and went to group counseling. I am thankful for the growth that they helped me achieve. There is just still soo much though and I guess I am waiting for someone to give me the answer even though I know only I have it.